Monday, May 16, 2016

Spanx A Lot

Because I get up so early I try and at least have an idea of what I am going to wear each day.  I don't always follow through, but for the most part I manage to look decent.

This morning I chose to wear a dress that I haven't worn in a bit.  I also chose to wear Spanx under it. For those of you who are guys or who have simply been living under a rock for the past 20 years here is a little history lesson: Spanx are this day and age's version of a corset or girdle (Do not ask me to explain a girdle.  Geez).

Spanx come in different modes.  You can get a bottom half version, a top half version or a full length version.  You can get slips, leggings, tanks.  You name it.  They suck you in like a champ.  Voila. Gone are the jiggly parts.  Or at least the jiggly parts are less jiggly than without the Spanx.

I have two pair of these modern marvels.  One is a tank and one is a slip style that hits me mid thigh.  I don't ever use the tank, but I do use the slip.

Today I grabbed the slip to wear.  I had recently washed it and had not yet worn it again.  I slipped it on over my head.

Now, I have to digress here because Spanx are nearly impossible to put on over your head.  In fact, you are supposed to step into them and pull. Pull hard. I was trying to take a short cut.

As I said, I slipped the Spanx over my head and pulled down.  Oh lord. Something was very wrong. I must have shrunk my Spanx in the wash as it would only reach to the bottom of my hips.  Shit.  These suckers cost a lot of money.  Dammit.

I started pulling and it started stretching.  I got the slip to my upper thighs (breathing hard now).  This just wasn't right. What had I done?

I decided to start over and step into the slip like you are supposed to do. I was hoping that the width of my hips would help the Spanx stop in the proper place and then I could just stretch it up to my arms and all would be good.

The arm holes were down to my ribcage.  The neckline was down to my navel and I couldn't stand up straight.  This wasn't right.  What had I done to my very expensive Spanx slip?  How do I return it without the tag?  It's obviously defective because I followed the washing label.  Shit.  Shit.  Shit.

Have I mentioned that I'm not really a morning person?  I am forced into being one by having to adult.

I hereby solemnly swear that the next time I need to wear my Spanx slip I will take both the slip and the tank out of my drawer and compare them to each other.  I will then carefully walk the slip into the bathroom for further use. I will leave the tank in the drawer.  So help me God.