Because I get up so early I try and at least have an idea of what I am going to wear each day. I don't always follow through, but for the most part I manage to look decent.
This morning I chose to wear a dress that I haven't worn in a bit. I also chose to wear Spanx under it. For those of you who are guys or who have simply been living under a rock for the past 20 years here is a little history lesson: Spanx are this day and age's version of a corset or girdle (Do not ask me to explain a girdle. Geez).
Spanx come in different modes. You can get a bottom half version, a top half version or a full length version. You can get slips, leggings, tanks. You name it. They suck you in like a champ. Voila. Gone are the jiggly parts. Or at least the jiggly parts are less jiggly than without the Spanx.
I have two pair of these modern marvels. One is a tank and one is a slip style that hits me mid thigh. I don't ever use the tank, but I do use the slip.
Today I grabbed the slip to wear. I had recently washed it and had not yet worn it again. I slipped it on over my head.
Now, I have to digress here because Spanx are nearly impossible to put on over your head. In fact, you are supposed to step into them and pull. Pull hard. I was trying to take a short cut.
As I said, I slipped the Spanx over my head and pulled down. Oh lord. Something was very wrong. I must have shrunk my Spanx in the wash as it would only reach to the bottom of my hips. Shit. These suckers cost a lot of money. Dammit.
I started pulling and it started stretching. I got the slip to my upper thighs (breathing hard now). This just wasn't right. What had I done?
I decided to start over and step into the slip like you are supposed to do. I was hoping that the width of my hips would help the Spanx stop in the proper place and then I could just stretch it up to my arms and all would be good.
The arm holes were down to my ribcage. The neckline was down to my navel and I couldn't stand up straight. This wasn't right. What had I done to my very expensive Spanx slip? How do I return it without the tag? It's obviously defective because I followed the washing label. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Have I mentioned that I'm not really a morning person? I am forced into being one by having to adult.
I hereby solemnly swear that the next time I need to wear my Spanx slip I will take both the slip and the tank out of my drawer and compare them to each other. I will then carefully walk the slip into the bathroom for further use. I will leave the tank in the drawer. So help me God.