Riding in Cars with Kids

Fair Warning:  This is a long post and I am on a bit of a soap box, but bear with me.  I think that you will like it.

Parents use technology.  It is no use bemoaning the fact.  Technology is here to stay unless the super flu (a la Stephen King) is released and kills all of the techies.  We embrace our tech toys.  I am in love with my smart phone.  And my iPad. There is nothing wrong with this.

But, oh my, the things that you will miss when you are traveling with your child in the car and you let tech take the wheel.  (Of course, according to Carrie Underwood, it's okay to let Jesus take the wheel occasionally.)

When your children are very young, you will miss their babbling.  You will not hear that magical language that toddlers use that is nonsensical to us big people, but has cadence and rhythm and meaning.  I'm talking about the talk that you would swear is a good cuss out!  You won't be able to respond in your own babble and see if you get a response.  You will miss that.

You will miss some first words or sentences.  Perhaps it won't be THE very first word, but it may be the first time your child says a certain word, hopefully not of the four letter variety. You will miss that interaction.

When your child is a preschooler, you will miss out on so much joy if you run that DVD every time you get into the car.  Seeing "Frozen" for the 200th time can wait.  (And really, do you need to hear 'that song' again?  You know that you will only ever remember the first two lines and then sing 'watermelon, watermelon' for the rest of it.)

You will miss an excited narrative of the very cool thing that happened at school/daycare today. You will miss hearing about snack and who spilled their juice for the 20th time.  You will miss learning that nobody really wants crackers anymore because crackers have been snack for the last million hundred days in a row and your child has snack next (and you bought crackers and they are sitting next to him in the grocery bag). Yup, no cool mommy points for you tomorrow.

You will miss inquiring questions of Why?  Why?  Why?  What is that?  Where do babies come from?  (although that may be the one time when it may be prudent to switch on the movie).  You will miss singing along to that silly pop song that everyone is singing.  It may make you crazy, but you can't miss the joy in your child's voice as they screamy-sing "It's all about that bass, no treble." (or trouble and this opens up another wonderful vista of miss-sung lyrics that will become fodder for jokes when your kids are older.  Seriously, you will need new material.)

You will miss an opportunity to let your child learn that it is okay to be upset with mommy or daddy or whoever.  Every preschooler deserves the opportunity to learn that sometimes the world doesn't turn just for them. You will be forced to listen to high pitched screaming and terrible crying in an enclosed space, but resist the impulse to switch on that movie.   Doing so will deny you (the parent) the opportunity to learn how to count to 10 while muttering special words under your breath and thinking about how far your frequent flyer miles will get you.  These are important multi-tasking skills that you will need for future tantrums that become more intense as your child nears their teen years.  (It is important to note that around 12, these tantrums will morph into sulky silences that require a completely different skill set).

When your child is in school, you will miss their clever pronouncements if their eyes and ears are focused on a movie or (gasp) their very own smart phone.  You will miss the cute ways that they keep themselves occupied while you are running around town doing errands.  You will also miss the fights. A lot of fights.  And if you let tech take over in the car, you will miss the only opportunities that you will ever have to say those revered words:  "Don't you make me pull over!" This is parenting gold. And good quality gold is valuable because it is precious and rare.

You won't know what is in your child's heart. Here is a well-known (by us old fogies) parental secret: Children talk a lot when they are riding in the car with you and they will say anything. You will learn all about the class bully, the smart kid in class, the smart ass, who is going on vacation and where they are going (and how can they afford that, you will wonder), who is getting divorced and whose parents are building a swimming pool (and do you know them well enough to invite yourself over?).

You will not have those opportunities if you immediately flip on that DVD.

As your child grows older you will miss hearing about their day and who hates who and what play they are going to try out for and how they hope that they make the cut but they may possibly die if they don't make it and are you really going to wear that into the grocery store and why aren't you willing to spend hundreds of dollars for Katy Perry tickets for the show that has been sold out for weeks. You will miss laughing at silly things and playing car games that you made up.  And you are going to be very sorry that you missed that because as your child edges closer to that teenage precipice, things start to get very quiet in the car. Especially when it is just the two of you

In those last 2 or 3 years before they learn to drive and sever one of the last tethers that bind them to childhood, you have a divinely given opportunity to learn so much.  This is especially true if their peers are in the car.

Driving carpool or hauling kids to activities is an eye opening experience if you sit quietly, make sure the tech toys are put away, start off the conversation and then shut up and listen.  You will hear what is really going on with so and so; how the coach yelled at so and so and how that child cried in the locker room.  You will learn about homework that you had no idea was due tomorrow and you will mentally add dropping by Target onto your errands.  You will hear who is going with Mr. Popularity, who is kissing him and who is already drinking and smoking.  This is the type of background info that you are going to need before you give permission to attend certain events.  And you will learn it all in plain sight, without sneaking.  But, you will miss all of this important groundwork if the phones are being used for the latest download of Angry Birds.

Be aware, that after this phase, there will be silence.  Once the driver's license is in hand and your child drives himself to school, opportunities to hear anything will be few and far between.  (If for some reason your child loses his license courtesy of the DOT for a period of, say, 6 months, you may hear a little bit while driving them to and from school and school activities. This will depend entirely upon your child's personality, of course.  Just saying.)  You will no longer be a silent witness to what is going on in your child's life.  Teenagers are very adept at shutting out adults.  It is a skill that they hone in about 2 minutes.

Technology is here to stay. We all use DVD's (in my child rearing days it was VHS tapes) to help us get through those trying times like the 'it's time to fix dinner and everyone is cranky and the other parent isn't home from work yet and I'm still in my bathrobe' times.  Flipping the on switch is just simply the only way to get through some days and in fact can become a happy change of pace if used judiciously.

But you will miss so much if you let the tech rule your car and/or your life, because children grow up. They do this quickly and secretly in the middle of the night without our knowledge or permission. And if you do not take advantage of every single, possible moment to listen, you will not hear.  And not hearing is not knowing.  And not knowing is not conducive to great memories. And one day, great memories are all that you will have.  And if you miss listening and participating in your children's car lives, you will miss having special insight into their real lives.  The best conversations take place in cars.  I mean, the best.

So, turn off the DVD player while running those errands and start a conversation with your child. You will be amazed at what will happen.  You will be mesmerized by what you will learn and what you will learn to cherish.

If you are still reluctant to do this, listen to the old Cat Steven's song "Cats in the Cradle".  That ought to make you feel wretched enough to at least try out my suggestion for a few days.  And a few days should be all that you need.

Post Script:  I would love it if you would post a favorite car memory below.  Whether it is as a parent or child, we all have those special memories, good and bad.